How can one even begin to write about the past ten days? From the time I received that phone call Saturday evening until the time that black car turned the corner and took my sister away from the church the following Saturday morning, the slowest and fastest week of my life has passed. I'm sitting here now in my mother's house, sipping on whisky and Budweiser (hell yeah), contemplating what has been experienced. This moment is truly the first moment I've had to slow down and really think. The silence is comforting and deafening.
She was amazing. Isn't she lovely? She is beautiful. What a pisser! I wish she was here. You are the sunshine of my life. Let's call her because she would love this! Oh, Beth, why? Ramble on.
This feeling I can't shake is still constant. The feeling like I've lost something, like something is missing. I continue to wait for her to come home. I want to know when that feeling will subside. I am fortunate enough that somehow this feeling of loss has been accompanied by this feeling of peace all week. My thoughts are not troubled, although my heart is heavy. My mind is racing, though my head is clear. These strange contradictions are new territory.
These events have been raw, yet these events have been uplifting. Buffalonians scooped me up, brought me home, and released me to the arms of my mother. My longtime friends were also waiting with open arms and endless hugs of support, grief, and love. A family, already tight as a knot, somehow became even closer. The incredible Hackett Clan stepped up and carried us all through. Numerous friends and strangers were performing acts of kindness to let us know they care. People arrived from all over the country and the world to join us in our time of sorrow and celebration. Bagpipes and fiddles were played in her honor. And finally, on Sunday, that message brought by Celeste was the most outstanding message I've ever received. The message from Colorado that led to the ink on the left wrists of my brother, my sister, and myself.
Never could one even begin to imagine a week that involved so much pain and sadness and power and love because nobody would believe it... yet this experience is fucking true.
Life is so short and precious. I know what that means. I know who and what matters. I know what it means to be strong because I have these amazing examples of strength all around me. I am appreciating things more than I ever thought possible. I am blessed. I have grown and aged more in these ten days than in my 26 short years. I have crossed a threshold in life- an earth shattering, life altering threshold that can never be reversed. And that is okay.
I am scared that I haven't fully accepted that my sister is gone and that my life will forever be different. But who knows, maybe that is something that is never fully accepted. How can such raw, heart-wrenching information ever be fully accepted? Will I ever understand? Will there ever be an answer? Perhaps not. Maybe this is just one puzzle that is never meant to be solved. And though I may never solve this puzzle, I will resolve the questions.
The void of losing Beth may never be filled. But I am so lucky to have Erin and Matthew to remind me of her sparkle. My mother to remind me of her love and resilience. My family to remind me of her devotion. My friends to remind me about support and laughter. Beth's friends to remind me of her brilliance and loyalty. And of course, the countless other amazing people who have made those gestures of acknowledgement of the tragedy that has taken Beth's life far too soon. I am so grateful to be alive and to be surrounded by such wonderful people. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I'm sure there will be much more to write and share in the coming days, weeks, months, and years... But for now Grandpa's old clock is chiming that it's time for me to go to sleep.
Love and Kisses.
I dreamt of an ocean blue
Under water me and you
Let's not swim to shore
Just float forever more
We could hide behind the sun
Where no one will upset our fun Let's take off our shoes
And dance away the blues
Was your sweet kiss just a dream
So real the taste of tangerine
You are my best friend
Forever, now and then
It's just after 11 am. The two groggily wake as the summer sunshine streams in through the window. He hurries down to the corner to grab a Sunday Times. Upon his return, they pull the hearty publication apart and spread it out on the bed. She snatches the Travel section as he reaches for the world news. There are daydreams about a trip to this week's most obscure destination. She watches him with envy as he drinks a piping hot americano. She winks at him and grudgingly sips her peppermint tea. Cigarettes are lit simultaneously. Luckily she can still enjoy the taste of espresso (combined with smoke and last night's whisky) on his breath each time she kisses him.
He reads a bit from Dining & Wine aloud as she plays with his hair. They munch on croissants smothered in Nutella. He laughs as she wipes some stray original creamy, chocolaty hazelnut spread from the corner of his mouth. Their self indulgent laziness lasts into the afternoon.
The two emerge into the world on shiny bicycles. They pedal rapidly and playfully race one another down a tree-lined stretch. He humors her for a bit but eventually pulls ahead. She throws her head back with laughter and the leisurely pace resumes.
Budweiser bottles clink as they cheers one another. They people watch and drink cold beer on a park bench. She smiles and shrugs gleefully each time a dog walks by. They fantasize about throwing firecrackers at degenerates and yuppies.
Evening falls and she fetches her favorite take-out for dinner. He waits for her on a rooftop. A boombox is playing Al Green. She removes her shoes and joins him on an old plaid blanket. They sit and dine on veggie burritos (with guacamole and extra cilantro, of course) as the city bustles far below them. Atop the chaos, the two have solitude.
For dessert, she surprises him with pieces of banana cream pie that she had made the day before. They light one up. The topic of conversation is light but still passionate and they make each other laugh. Beneath the moonlight the two fancy a quickie while The Reverend plays in the background.
okay, okay... I'll admit it. I know what day it is and I'm just trying to pretend that I really don't care that it's Valentines Day.
It's so frustrating because I really do think it's kind of a stupid holiday. And NO, I'm NOT just saying that because I'm single, or, ahem, without a Valentine. And thankfully, I'm not this bitter. But as stupid as I think the idea of Valentines Day is, it does force me to think about why I don't have a boy to "Be Mine."
Do you think it could be because of the application? Nah.
Guess I'll settle for a perforated cardstock valentine from Rite Aid, a handful of conversation hearts, and a glass of red wine.
Also, check out the Vice Records Flosstradamus Mix the way it was INTENDED to be mixed HERE. And in case this isn't enough for you, these ChiTown guys just remixed some Cool Kids. You can find a streaming version of that HERE.
Next, we have this delicious DJ:
If you want to see and hear something amazing, check him out in Toronto THIS THURSDAY!
For fans of MSTRKRFT, you may already know JFK. But if not, have a listen to this half of the amazingly dynamic duo a-here. I'm LOVING the Bloc Party remix.
Thank you to Jessa (of Shock and Awe- see below) for turning me on to Kid Sister. I've been finding countless remixes of her done by some of my fave artists. Currently, one of my favorites was done by this tasty twosome:
LOVE! And EVEN better- these guys are heading east! They're doing a run through Toronto, Montreal, and even Rochacha. I'll take it!
Good stuff coming up... Chroma Dance Party in Rochester THIS Friday. And for those of you in the B-Lo area, PLEASE check out the ONE Party this Saturday. Presented by the lovely ladies of Shock and Awe, this is version 5 with a purpose beyond dancing your ass off- all proceeds from the event go straight to the ONE Campaign.
As always, check out my boombox on the right for my current playlist. And now, I'll leave you with this:
