"The Mean Girls' Guide to Glory" - 5 new articles
Mr. Industry's Friend RespondsIt's actually pretty damn funny and I think Cory correctly captures the absolute mess that Mr. Industy (in his blog as "Gabe") was that day. Also, for your info ShamWow is referred to as "Karen." The Tale of a Modern Day Love Story The story of that day begins about 1/4 way down on the page under "This is the tale of a Modern Day Love Story. I hope you enjoy. "  The Rise and FAIL of Mr. Industry
Mr. Industry and his entourage got there around 11ish, and we arrived at 2:00pm - Mr. Industry had his/our room key waiting for me at the front desk, (nice/thoughtful) So, we went to change and then strolled down to the pool. Holy shit, there was a couple hundred people at this pool!! I almost felt like I was at a party pool in Vegas for a second! I walked to the edge of the pool to give Mr. Industry a hug and as I bend over he tries to pull me in to the water... not forcefully, but not exactly the warm welcome I had wished for! He was obviously pretty drunk! Immediately I say "I need a drink" actually, I'm not sure if I said that first or looked at Miss Communications boyfriend and said " I need to catch up!" Since it was HSB out, I got in the water right away but made sure not getting the hair wet since I had just blown it out and didn't want to re-do it before going out at night. The waitress comes and I order a margarita - stat! At this point, Mr. Industry is whispering with his 'shes like a sister' and since she has no name, we will call her DaRat. So DaRat starts asking me in her annoying voice "What did you get to drink?" me: "A margarita" Rat: "like Patron, Don Julio?" me: "Just a regular one" Then I hear DaRat say "She hates me." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Then I have to explain, " I don't hate you, I am hungover, exhausted from a 2 hour drive, and I just need a drink." Then this little DaRat says, "He's like my brother, he can kick your ass or I can kick your ass!" Wait, who is this Rat? WHERE THE FUCK IS MY DRINK!!!!
 Flashback to the 90's - Welcome to the JungleI'm going to start off with saying WHAT A WEEKEND! Friday night was ShamWow's dirty 30th birthday party and it was OFF THE HOOK and we will so totally get to that by way of a blog soon! In addition to her birthday soiree, we managed to score invites to TWO themed parties in one night that we just could not miss...
The 90's Themed 30th Birthday Party at the 90210 Beach House: Does it get ANYMORE 90's than a party at the 90210 beach house of Donna Martin and Kelly Taylor?? Didn't think so! When my boy G-Money hit me up about this party, I pretty much said 'sign me up' while writing my signature in the air. If only I held onto my cross colours jeans or my babydoll dresses with my Doc Marten's...I would have had the perfect 90's outfit!
My friend G tells me that I might know the girl who's renting the house (who's 30th bday it is) because she went to high school with us and was a grade below, but I had no idea who she was. Of course I was still going to the party because obviously I'm not going to miss out on 90's photoshoots at the beachhouse! So ShamWow, The Gym Nazi, and I show up to the party in 90's gear with a huge bottle of vodka in hand and don't recognize ANYONE. We finally find G-Money and being polite, I ask him who the birthday girl is so we can wish her a happy birthday and thank her for having us at her party...BIG MISTAKE!
We follow G and he introduces us to the birthday girl and I say "Hi Jenny, I'm the Ringleader. Happy 30th Birthday!" and give her a hug that lasted FAR TOO LONG because she WOULD NOT LET GO! She then says to me (in front of everyone) "Oh I know you, you probably don't remember me because I was a really big nerd in high school and you were cool and ran with the cool crowd...but I'm a year younger than you."
What. The. Fuck. What do you say to that? Like I'm sorry you were a nerd? Sorry we didn't have sleepovers and TP the boys houses late at night while giving ourselves pedicures and discussing who would be our date to the vice-versa dance? Who cares!
I say to her "I'm sure you weren't a really big nerd, we probably just had different interests and hung around different people. The important thing is that we're here and it's your birthday! Let's party and have a good time!" --->This is me trying to smooth things over while feeling embarrassed that this broad is calling me out on my status 13 years ago!
She can't leave well enough alone so she follows up with "No, I was a really big nerd...I was in the band. Don't feel weird I mean you ran with the right crowd so it's all good."
Um, awkward PARTY OF ONE! No joke I was shocked, who does that? So G, ShamWow, the Gym Nazi and I sit down and discuss who this chick is and I'm asking G like WTF? Did you get that speech about being part of the cool crowd? He goes "Oh no, she gave you that one?? Yeah I have heard that before..."
How about a warning G? Yo you're not going to remember this girl but say you do and you remember her from the band or she is going to go put you on blast by way of a 15 minute speech of how high school politics and lack of popularity ruined her life! I mean I had a lot of friends but I certainly wouldn't consider myself as popular, I mean I was never the Homecoming/Prom Queen. What the hell?
So we're chillin in the corner and I'm drinking and smoking a joint and here comes the birthday girl. We tell her to sit down and are asking her if she's having a good birthday, you know being really nice and we're having a conversation and this broad just can't quit! She brings it up AGAIN and this time she let's it drop that I was a "MEAN GIRL and obviously you STILL are running with the right crowd because you brought Kelly Taylor (ShamWow) with you." Well of course I can't help but laugh because it's pretty ironic, no? She goes I mean you were the girl that we would say you're so pretty and you would say "Thanks." WTF is she talking about?? I don't ever recall any of this??
At this point I'm getting pissed because I really wasn't mean to nerdy girls in high school. I was mean to the bitchy girls or the girls with whom I was competing for a guy with, but that's it. I think at this point ShamWow notices that I'm about to say something so she jumps to my defense and says "Ya she might have hung around with the cool people but what does that mean? She was getting into trouble....** COUGH COUGH ** WHORE! You didn't really want to hang out with her, did you??"
Thank God she broke it up with the cough, cough, WHORE! When in doubt just cough and blend a WHORE into a conversation because that was actually funny and true! It also seemed to chill me out long enough to laugh at ShamWow who took being called 'Kelly Taylor' as a compliment and didn't see it as a bitchy comment. I mean who didn't want to be Kelly Taylor? But I'll be Goddamned if I'm going to be the Brenda cough cough WHORE of the group! I just can't seem to get over how weird it was to be dressed all 90's, at a party with people I saw regularly in the 90's, and then having to defend myself for being myself to a person who's opinion didn't matter to me! Talk about dejavu or feeling like I was in the twilight zone!
So we decided to sneak the hell out of that party and move onto the jungle savage themed party in Redondo Beach that Suzy Q put together, in hopes of meeting some hot dudes!
After a quick costume change in the car, all of us ladies put on some animal print and met up with the hottness that was Suzy Q who looked WAY more jungle savage theme than we did! Unfortunately, we didn't really meet any interesting hot boys but we did meet some super cool ladies (who happened to be fans of the late night 4th meal) who kept us talking and entertained the rest of the night! At least it wasn't a total loss and we had fun! I'll be honest, it's getting tough going out so often and trying to meet new people, but what else are we going to do? ShamWow, Gym Nazi, and myself are as single as one gets and we're just not meeting quality randoms at bars or restaurants or anything. We all figure that our only hope is meeting someone through a friend or their friends and it's hard to be social or in the mood to be social all of the time, ya know? Anyways, thank you Suzy Q, we had fun and I can't wait for the next party!
Gym Nazi was pretending she was hooking like "Pretty Woman" I think... 
Me and the FAB bucket of tits that is Suzy Q 
 The Animal Handler
 Fashion Faux FAILI've been going out quite a bit lately (as most of my friends have birthdays that fall during the summertime) and I cannot understand what the hell people are thinking when they look in the mirror and decide to walk out, in that outfit! It's also more than just being a slob and not caring what you look like when you leave the house for a beer run or a quick 4th meal mission. As we all know, I'm guilty of rocking pajama pants to the supermarket at 3pm on a Sunday and Lilo will PROUDLY strut her stuff in boxer shorts and a wife beater w/no bra while carrying my Fendi handbag through the McDonald's drive-thru for a life saving cheeseburger meal. For us, it's pure laziness and the fact that we really don't expect to see anyone on these little outings, and we certainly. These people I'm referring to actually spend time getting ready/planning these outfits, and proudly strut their stuff as if people are going to ask them "Who are you wearing tonight?" Or maybe they think someone will mistake them for a stylist and ask for their business card, I don't know.
Sequins: Anyone who knows me, knows that I have very strict rules when it comes to wearing sequins. This doesn't apply to a few strategically placed sequins on a dress/top/etc or a tiny little cluster of sequins on something. This applies to fully sequined dresses or outfits where the majority of fabric is covered in sequins. In my book, you are allowed to wear sequins only on 3 occassions: 1. Vegas - Feel free to dress yourself from head to toe in sequins when in Vegas. IF you want to walk around looking like a human disco ball, be my guest. I will even walk around WITH you and will pretend that I know you! Vegas = Sequins, attention, and in general 'look at me' so if you are looking to make that sort of statement then I will support it as long as it is within reason.
2. Your Birthday - If it is YOUR birthday, you are welcome to wear sequins. It is your day and all about you and if you want all eyes on you and find a fab sequin party dress, please feel free to wear it. I will still attend your birthday party and I will even take a picture with you that you can feel free to post on Facebook or wherever else you desire to post it.
3. New Years Eve - If you're going to a fab NYE party or club or whatever, rock the hell out of the sequin party dress! NYE is all about sparkle and over-the-top NOTICE ME so we can make out at midnight dresses! While you're at it go ahead and put on a stupid Happy New Year hat and 2010 glasses. It's acceptable because it's New Years and everyone wants to get dressed up, look their best, and have a good time.
It is NOT acceptable to wear a sequin party dress when going to a club in Hollywood. Unless you're a celebrity walking the red carpet into a private soiree, you need not be wearing disco ball sequined mini dresses in Hollywood. You look like a damn fool walking up sunset in your sequin tube dress and matching sequin evening bag that you borrowed from your mom. STOP IT. Not only do you look ridiculous, but you also run the risk of getting heckled by me when I'm driving down Sunset dressed appropriately. I've been known to roll my windows down and scream "I hope it's your birthday because this ain't Vegas and it sure as hell isn't New Years Eve!"
Last night, Lilo and I were lucky enough to see No Doubt in concert, which was AMAZINGLY FAMOUS! Aside from the show being so grand, the fashions of those in attendance was nothing short of embarrassing. I don't know what it is about Gwen Stefani, but girls seem to think they can put their own outfits together and imitate Gwen or what they think Gwen would be impressed by using their own personal style. People were dressed in the most ridiculous pieces put together with more ridiculous pieces, painted by a MAC makeup artist in training, and slathered in blood red lipstick. It was a HUGE FAIL in the fashion department.
The FAIL Kitty: Wearing a leopard print unitard with black Ugg boots, the most peroxide platinum hair, and wet n wild's reddest white trash lipstick. This leopard print unitard is just straight unacceptable. To make matters worse, it looked a little worn...as if this was her go-to outfit that she went-to far too many times. This broad was beat looking. Not even the Shitty Kitty would hire her. And don't even get me started on the Ugg boots! I HAAAAAATE Ugg boots in general and the ONLY time you will catch me wearing them is in FREEZING temperature when traveling in Europe or the mountains where I don't stand the chance of seeing anyone who would recognize me.
The FAIL Dad: Wearing his sunglasses indoors. His poor little tween daughter forced to deal with his obsessive JUMPING and WAVING at Gwen while rotating his sunglasses from being positioned on his forehead above his eyes/resting on his eyebrows or wearing them over his eyes, indoors, in a dark arena. Did I mention how he was JUMPING around like a friggin idiot and doing his best to call attention to himself? Waving and re-positioning his sunglasses so he could look "cool" - bro was ANYTHING but cool.
Bikini top FAIL: I'm thinking this girl was no older than 14 years old and I'm pretty sure this is NOT how she left the house last night. I turn around and there she is wearing a turquoise string bikini top and jeans, with the pre-requisite black studded belt. Has this ever been OK? To go out and plan to wear a bikini top with jeans? It's one thing to wear a bikini somewhere and maybe slip jeans on afterwards, but usually you put a goddamn shirt on as well?!?! I know Gwen has been known to rock the bikini top over a wife beater or just rock a bikini top but that is because she is a rock star and she is on stage in costume. Last I checked going to a concert was not an invite to a costume party...unless of course you're going to a Goth or Emo concert which is more like a friggin masquerade ball. Anyone have any thoughts on these? What are you fashion deal breakers? Have you ever sent a friend back to her closet to change when you saw what she was planning on wearing?  More Recent Articles |
