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- Just an update
- It's time
- Sometimes I feel...
- The Empowerment of a medium tee shirt
- Another sick day
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I am plugging along. I went to Colorado for a bit to visit family. It was fun :)
I am trying to jump start my creativeness again. I feel dead inside most of the time and feel I need to do something before I fall too far. I have quilt club tomorrow night, I hope that helps. I need to work on my daughter's quilt. I promised it to her by the time she goes off to college and that is coming up faster than I realized. Today in order try and get the creative juices flowing, I am working on a simple crocheted scarf for me, it is getting cold outside and I wait for the bus in the dark (cold) so I need something. I just got my sister's jacket in the mail. My old favorite jacket is a XXL and I am a M now (have I mentioned the 70#'s I have lost?). My new jacket is a S but it fits well and is warm. I look really cute in it. It is orange like my old one and infact, sis and I bought them at the same time and LL Beans.
Work is unchanged and I am doing my best despite them trying to get rid of me. My supervisor is taking great pleasure in telling people about the employee handbook she is writing and about the chapter on how to fire someone. So glad she is practicing on me. Whatev. I will hopefully find something that will make me happy soon.
That's all for now. I will keep plugging along.
So there is a good chance that things are changing in my life, not good changes. This has been a rough year and it looks like it is not going to end well for me. I am going to be 34 on Friday and these last 51 weeks have been a roller coaster.
Good thing I didn't change the name of this blog huh?
Sometimes I feel that can't do anything right. Heck, recently, it is most of the time that I feel this. Most parts of my life are so stressful right now that I feel myself shutting down and don't know how to fix it. People around me try to help, but I feel as if I am failing them by not being stronger.
A positive thing: I weigh less than I ever have as an adult.
At work we had a 12 week fitness program, I was captain of our team as I was already on a fitness regimen due to diabetes and could motivate people to move. The only week that I didn't make the goal was week 11 when I was sick for 4 days with some evil that was living in my digestive track. So anyways, at the beginning of the contest I put in for a size XL shirt as I was wearing that size. By the half way point, I asked for a size L as that was where I was. So the fitness program is over and my shirt came and guess what? Yeah too big. So one of the other team members gave me her size M tee shirt and it fits perfectly. :) Oh and I lost 10 pounds in this 12 weeks. :)
I WEAR A MEDIUM TEE SHIRT. I don't remember the last time I did that. And I mean it's not like I am a small person, I am a fat girl, just a smaller fat girl. I weigh what I did about 10 years ago and yet I feel bigger now then I did then and am wearing a smaller size clothes. I don't get it.
So how did this tee shirt empower me? I know everyone that reads this is waiting with bated breath.
I went to Joann's Fabric to get some curtain material for my daughter's curtains (and some new size M tee shirts.) I got the bolts that I wanted and then went to the cutting table. They have a system similar to the deli counter at a grocery with the "take a number and wait until your number is called" so I went up and there were people there and I grabbed a number, it was 94, and the chickie in front of me was holding her bolts and gabbing on the phone -- the poor girl has some issues, soooo glad I got to hear about them. Anyways, so they were on number 93 and guess who was next? ME :) I had 94 remember? So they called "94" and I held up the ticket and walked up to the counter, well phone chickie goes "I was here a long time!" I turned to her and said "You should have grabbed the ticket" and went to the counter and got my order cut. She stood there and bitched about me going ahead of her and the woman at the counter says "you should have grabbed a number" well there were no more numbers as I happen to get the last one -- not my fault and certainly nothing I knew or could help, if SHE had grabbed the number when she got there "a long time ago" then she would have been 94. So I asked the woman that was helping me if she wanted the ticket and she replied "no, you keep it as a souvenir." :D The other woman who was cutting fabric calls for the next person and the chickie that was there "for a long time" says "I hope *I* am next NOW." She should have grabbed a ticket huh?
I felt empowered that moment. Before I would have said "go ahead, you were here first" as a fatter girl, I felt VERY invisible and felt unworthy of attention. It's really hard being the fattest woman (and sometimes person) in the room. As I get smaller I am feeling more visible and sometimes that is good and sometimes it catches me off guard.
There is a scene in the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" that I was thinking of after this fabric incident, Evelyn, played by Kathy Bates is finding that she too can be empowered to be a strong visible woman:
[Evelyn is cut off in a parking lot]
Evelyn Couch: Hey! I was waiting for that spot!
Girl #1: Face it, lady, we're younger and faster!
[Evelyn rear-ends the other car six times]
Girl #1: What are you *doing*?
Girl #2: Are you *crazy*?
Evelyn Couch: Face it, girls, I'm older and I have more insurance.
I felt like that today. Like it was okay to stick up for myself. I don't think I was bitchy, but I was RIGHT and I knew it and spoke up.
Amazing what a size M green tee shirt can do!
Oh and I went to the package store to get some beer to cook my pork butt in and was carded, that feels good no matter what as I have been this HEIGHT for 21 years :)
Job update: I have one.
This time it is the tummy bug. I am not a fan of puke or other nasty things that are leaving my body.
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