I could tell something was wrong the minute I walked in the door. I was unpacking my suitcase when my husband confessed to relapsing while I was out of town. Part of me was thankful for his honesty, but the other part was furious. I had the sudden urge to throw my shoes at him. But why bother? What damage would flip-flops do?
I thought about throwing things a lot. I was so angry.
Often when people introduce me, they use words like “sweet” and “kind.' Anger is out of character for me. But it got so bad that I started swearing. I’d never sworn in my life! I would close the door to our bedroom, close the door to our bathroom, close the door to the little toilet room, and let the ugly, angry words loose.
I read the story of Jesus overthrowing the tables in the temple, and somehow I felt understood. The merchants in the temple yard were shortchanging the people who came to worship. They were cheating them, robbing them, betraying them. I was not alone in my anger.
Looking back I see my anger as a gift. Who knows how long I would have stayed stuck without anger to wake me up out of my sleep-like state of denial.
Are you angry? Don’t condemn yourself for feeling that way. You have a valid reason for anger.
Anger is typically a secondary emotion. It follows on the heels of other feelings. So look for the primary emotions under the surface of your anger. Are you sad? Lonely? Tired? Stressed?
The truth is I was okay being sad. I was okay being lonely. Sure, I was tired and stressed. But the anger scared me. I knew I had to do something. My increasing anger was what finally motivated me to get help.
Psalm 4:4 (NKJV) says, “Be angry and do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.”
Don’t stew in your anger, but do pay attention. Take some time tonight to search your heart and be silent.
Today I will allow my anger to be the catalyst for growth and change.
Reflect and Respond:
In Ephesians 4:26, Paul quotes Psalm 4:4 with added emphasis, “'In your anger do not sin': Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” When we were first married I thought this passage meant that we had to resolve each and every conflict before our heads hit the pillows. Imagine two exhausted, emotionally flooded people trying to solve their problems at 2am. It is helpful to separate releasing anger from resolving conflict. When emotions are high sometimes it is better to take a break and come back to the issue after you’ve gotten some rest.
I prefer the Psalmist’s advice, it is much less volatile. It may take a while for you to quiet your heart and really be still. Practice few minutes of silence right now.
It is important that you find a safe way to dissipate anger. Here are some suggestions: Punch a pillow. Call a friend who will listen to you vent. Type a letter you will never send in all caps. Go for a run. Actually any form of exercise is a great place to start.
Excerpt from Keep Walking - 40 Days to Hope and Freedom After Betrayal, Day 16
