Image originally from RealLifeCoaching.net
Epiphany. It’s an overused – and quite possibly misunderstood – word, that often deservedly takes its place in the bullshit bingo of our contemporary culture, along with other overworked terms like “pivot”, “inflection point” and “paradigm shift.” In fact, there’s a delightful list (a la urban dictionary) of such terms over here. I thoroughly recommend popping over for a read and a giggle.
But I’ve had one today – an epiphany. And I’m going to share. (Yeah, not your typical FeedBlitz News post!)
So. Where to begin?
How about here: I’m an introvert by nature. Shy in unfamiliar social situations. If I’m on my own in a new environment without anyone I know being there, I revert back to wallflower mode, something I’ve done all too well since high school. Paradoxically, I love public speaking, but that’s not because I’m not shy. It’s because I’m in control. I love – ok, let’s be honest, crave – the attention, and being at the front of a room speaking gives me the control and attention for those 45 to 60 minutes. It’s a thrill, and I know that many of social media’s leading lights are built the same way.
And yet.
And yet: Here on the blog, online on Twitter, on Facebook, I am not that person. I am horribly conscious of being the public face of my business. And that, coupled with my introversion and my background, leads me to edit (more on this in a moment). I will write what I want about my business, but God forbid that I say anything controversial, or express an opinion about anything other than marketing or FeedBlitz or email.
Yet when I read what the people I truly admire online write – whether they’re Seth Godin, Fred Wilson, or my friends on Facebook – they’re all expressing their opinions. Ones that will aggravate a goodly portion of their readership, potentially. Some use expletives with seeming impunity. And it doesn’t seem to harm them at all. Quite the reverse, in fact.
I’ve envied that for years. YEARS. I’ve often wished I could do that too.
What, you may ask, has been stopping me? Well, I could witter on about the broad spectrum of blogs we service here at FeedBlitz, how I’ve always worried that expressing an opinion contrary to a client’s worldview would be enough to lose their business; I’m shy and an introvert, etc. etc.
But it really all boils down to this: Fear.
Which is odd, in a sense, because running a small business competing against larger, better funded organizations with more resources at their disposal than I can possibly dream of requires no fear at all. If I were afraid; afraid of hard work, or of my competitors, or of failure, then this business would have been dead and buried years ago. I’m not, and it isn’t.
Indeed, Seth Godin has often talked about overcoming fear to be successful. Fear is good to recognize, acknowledge. But at some point one has to note it, face it, and move on regardless.
Ironically, I actually thought I was doing really well on the fear front. What I’d internalized from Seth and others was that overcoming fear as an obstacle to success was purely a business issue.
It isn’t.
I was wrong.
It’s a life issue.
And this is the core of my moment of revelation today.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking now. It took you 47 years on the planet to realize this? This isn’t rocket science, Phil. This is obvious. Self-evident.
Well, yeah. Sometimes I’m slow on the uptake.
Comfort zones are, by definition, comfortable. They’re hard to see. They’re nice to be in. And stepping outside is hard. Not comfortable. Risky. Rewarding.
Indeed, had anyone mentioned fear and comfort zones in this context to me I’d surely have agreed. It is obvious! But it’s one thing to rationally understand that fear is the enemy in every aspect of one’s life; it is quite another to feel it. To believe it, and then to change it.
I now believe. And things are going to change.
In fact, they already were changing – I just didn’t realize it.
For example, I’ve recently become dimly aware that over the last couple of years I have indeed changed. Although still an introvert, I have increasingly enjoyed being with other people and putting myself out there, as they say. I have been blessed with some new, very close friendships with very special people who have helped lead me out of my little shell, are showing me my potential, and to whom I will be eternally grateful. I will not name them here – they know who they are. I am a better person (and FeedBlitz a better business) for their love, kindness and attention. Thank you.
But gratitude aside, my broader point is this: I’ve come to realize that what floats my boat now, at 47, is not entirely the same as what floated it for years 0 to 45. I’m no extrovert, to be sure, but I certainly get more joy and fulfillment from external sources and these strange beasts called people than I ever did before. This, for me, is new. It’s exciting. It’s a BFD.
But while I have changed internally, my online presence – and to a degree my real life one too – hasn’t much. Let’s face it, as a middle-aged Englishman raised to be unerringly polite and to not cause offence, it’s jarring to step outside that comfort zone and into uncharted territory – for me and my family. Finally recognizing the changes and starting to articulate them has not been without significant discomfort for the people closest to me, whom I care about the most.
The upshot is this: As I’ve slowly started to label and recognize what’s been happening, I have realized that, especially recently, I’ve been editing my interactions – and therefore me. Both online and in that messy thing called the real world.
I wasn’t ready for this change, or to even acknowledge its need, or even accept that change – whether I liked it or not – might actually be happening anyway. It’s really quite weird to suddenly realize that you’re not entirely the person you – and everyone else – thought you were.
Which brings me to today’s epiphany. The realization that to be fully me I must overcome my fears, embrace the risk that some people might actually not like what I have to say, or how I feel, and be myself.
This is not going to be easy for me (I have no idea how this is going to work out for you, either, Gentle Reader). I am still an introvert. I am still shy. I still love my family!
But I am also human. And you don’t get to see that here. Instead, you get the corporate rah-rah of the business blog. If this blog were a color, it would be beige. Meh.
So it’s time to change. I’m ready.
Resolved, then: To be Human.
This isn’t about “humanizing” (ugh) the business of FeedBlitz. It’s about humanizing me. I will be myself here, and on Facebook, and at home, and everywhere in real life. I will edit less. I will try to overcome my shyness more. I will be respectful and polite – but I will also be me. If I offend, so be it. But from hereon in, there will be pops of color to accompany the beige. I will try my level best not to be afraid.
So. Maybe this post is madness. Maybe it’s vanity: Self-indulgent narcissistic twaddle with no place on a corporate blog.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Maybe it’s the begininng of something new and much more interesting. Maybe you’ll get to know me a bit better (and maybe you will like me more, maybe you won’t. Your mileage may vary, as they say). Maybe it’s important for me to find, speak with - and at times raise – my true voice.
Look, I’m not going to be dropping f-bombs into every other post. The blog will stay relevant. I’m not going to cease editing altogether!
But I can be more myself. Take positions. Vouch for causes. Say what I believe. Everyone else can do this. Why not me? It’s time I joined the rest of you. I will be happier. I hope and believe that that will also make me, and FeedBlitz, and this blog, better.
So that’s that. Maybe not a huge epiphany to have as these things go; I don’t know – I haven’t had one before. But it seems important, and worth sharing.
What do you think? I’d love to hear from you in the comments. And next week’s posts will be a little more run of the mill 
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Bravo, Phil.
Your blog has hardly been content free but I look forward to the less-edited edition
Thank you, Tom. Not content free, but perhaps largely opinion (and certainly contoversy) free. Not that I’ll be courting controversy! But I’m giving myself permission to have a whole lot more wiggle room than I did before.
From one introvert to another… you go for it, Phil! Since I met you in 2005, I’ve known you to be fearless about your business and I admire and appreciate that. Now, I’m curious to know what you’ve been editing so I look forward to what you unleash!
Thank you Denise – Be careful what you wish for!
Hope to catch up with you IRL soon – Will you be at NMX in January?
We don’t want run of the mill. THIS is what we want. So open, honest and real. Love it! For the first time since I met you several years ago, I’m starting to feel like I’m finally actually meeting you. It’s great Phil! Keep the openness and honesty coming!
Feel the same Crystal – I remember that conversation at NAMS in ATL! Funny thing is, I think I’m starting to meet myself too. How weird is that?
I love, literally, the humanity of this post Phil. I’ve enjoyed a chance to get to know you better. You actually describe a situation that is true of many of my introvert friends. Rather than being true extrovert, I’m trained extrovert – or am one of those folks that is more naturally in the middle. I can do okay at extrovert extremes but they are taxing for me. Rather than editing, I tend to live in polarity with one aspect of my personality very “out here” socially … and another more private portion of it tucked back at home with a good book LOL Conferences like the NAMS conference, while very good for me, are easy in the first day or two but once I no longer have energy reserves, they are incredibly taxing due to the interaction level which I’m sure you’ve encountered too. This is all dynamics that people don’t talk about much.
Kim
PS: If you haven’t seen this TED talk about “The Power of Introverts” I think you’ll enjoy it: http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html
Hi Kimberley: Thank you and backatcha! Part of this is, I think, a learned behavior – I have to force myself to be more outgoing, especially socially. BUT the rewards are definitely worth overcoming that trepidation.
And thank you, thank you for that TED link. Perfect.
I approve!
Phil – I loved this blog post. And I completely identify with it. Fear is one of the biggest issues that everyone faces, but small business people stay small in all ways because of it. I’ve struggled that myself, big time…
I’m reading a new book that I think is awesome that deals with this a lot. Knowing, I think it will pull you out of your comfort zone a bit too. It did me: Break the Habit of Being Yourself – http://nams.ws/breakhabit
Thank you, David. I’ll be sure to check that book out!
From one shy gal who seems to be going through the same transformation, I know how hard it was for you to hit that submit button.
I LOVE that you did and love what you had to say.
Thank you Sheryl. Once I’d decided I had to say this it was easier than I thought (there’s that facing the fear thing again!). Good luck to you on your journey
Mine’s only starting.
Editing: I think it’s a paradox because good writing requires editing but not the editor that fears criticism or the editor of Mom or Dad or whomever first disapproved of an early and original thought. Good writing requires, I think, digging deep down to uncover what it is we think and/or believe. And you’re right, having the courage to write it despite the anticipated disagreement of others’. It’s work, good writing but worth it for those of us who are addicted to it because when we’ve finished that post, article or book, there are few feelings as delicious as reading the published version and thinking, “yes, that is what I think/believe or even stand for about this or that.”
Thanks for this post and for the invitation to comment- I always enjoy the opportunity to ponder my addiction to this thing called writing. And I’ll read your next post.
Thanks Lin, for your comments.
My point is more than the writing – it’s not just about editing / limiting what I write (although that’s part of it too). Perhaps I buried it too much, but the epiphany is that I realized I’ve been “editing” myself across the board, in many areas of my life. Conforming to what I thought were other people’s expectations – or allowing myself to be boxed into my own personal safe (but not very fulfilling) comfort zone. The resolution to be human, then, is really about *not* editing myself … and letting that freedom spill out here, on the blog in my writing, as and when.
One addendum- your diagram reminds me of one of Maslow’s- remember Abraham Maslow of the Hierarchy of Needs fame? In a less widely known but just as incisive work, he wrote this diagram which says it all:
SAFETY————————————————————->GROWTH
I have always loved this-thanks for the catalyst to call it back into consciousness!
I was trained my entire life to maintain a very professional demeanor… and it’s hard after so long to know what’s authentically me, and what’s “playing the role,” so I’m trying to find that balance as well. That means stepping outside what’s comfortable and “safe” and I have made mistakes – but that seems to be the only way to learn, so I ask those involved for patience, understanding that my intentions are good, and the promise to get better at it. I wish you well on your own journey
I know exactly what you mean about figuring out where stepping up into the role is real or just role-playing. Agree that making mistakes is part of the deal, as long as we try to only make the same mistake once! Thank you for writing – and good luck to you, too.
Dear Phil, Your comments indicate that you recognize the pervasive condition that inhibits us, and literally comes between us and the experience of having a natural life, a life free of the neurotic fear that has been the mostly unseen context in which life appears. I have been working with a man named John Sherman over the last several years who has discovered the simple act that brings an end to this fear in a natural way that never fails. As a psychologist I am more aware than your average bear exactly how pervasive this condition is and how it is connected to depression and a sense that life is threatening. John Sherman has seen fear to be the condition that has caused not just inhibition, but the condition of insanity that is present and accounts for what is seen on the news each day. I highly recommend that you look into this work at http://www.justonelook.org and give this simple act a try. It has been the key to transforming my experience of life after 40 years of seeking and an answer to this condition professionally and personally. Please check out John’s videos, and podcasts, and visit the forum on the site where people provide support and reports on their experiences with this work. Also, check out my free ebook available for download on the site. Please drop me an email to let me know how your doing. Sincerely, Dr. D. Parrish.
That post took courage, Phil. To lay yourself out that way to total strangers like me and everyone else, was a courageous act.
But you know what? You shone a beacon for others, like me, who feel I have to be careful or “they” won’t like me. So what? Should I go eat worms? Nuts.
I’m betting you make more friends, and your business will make more friends if you let your principles hang out in public. Some may treat you like St. Sebastian, but most will be thinking, “Dang! The man has guts!”
Good luck!
Thank you, Carol. I’ve really appreciated all the support I’ve received writing about this, something which is obviously very personal. Thanks again!