Active listening is an important skill that a leader needs to have and practice.  . By being an active listener, you can make better decisions, strengthen your relationships with your team, clients, or customers, and also spot opportunities that you ...
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  1. 9 Ways to Improve Your Active Listening Skills
  2. Leadership 2023: A Shift to Self-Employment?
  3. Positive Progress and the Art of Negotiation
  4. Confrontations that Create a Win-Win-Win
  5. Develop Your Mental Game As a b...
  6. More Recent Articles

9 Ways to Improve Your Active Listening Skills

9 Ways to Improve Your Active Listening Skills

Active listening is an important skill that a leader needs to have and practice. 

By being an active listener, you can make better decisions, strengthen your relationships with your team, clients, or customers, and also spot opportunities that you might otherwise miss. 

Active listening requires the listener to absorb information, comprehend the message, and retain the information conveyed by the speaker. While practicing active listening, you should pay close attention to the speaker’s non-verbal cues (behavior, body language) to gain a full understanding of their message. 

Here are 9 ways you can improve your active listening skill. 

1. Be the last to speak

If you truly want to learn about other people’s opinions, just sit back and really listen to what everyone is saying. Try not to show judgment or react throughout the conversation. You will be amazed at how much you can learn when you let others lead the conversation. 

2. Focus on them, not yourself

Listening is not about you. You cannot actively listen to what others are saying when you are too busy figuring out what you’re going to say. You should not interrupt or finish the other person’s sentences. Stop worrying about how to defend yourself from having your opinions validated, your main focus should be on the other person. 

3. Maintain eye contact

When another person is speaking, make sure that you are giving them your undivided attention by maintaining eye contact, instead of checking your phone or computer. You can provide non-verbal cues that you are listening, such as nodding your head or leaning in, but eye contact is the most important component of active listening. Maintaining eye contact for 4-5 seconds each time throughout the conversation helps you display interest and confidence. 

If you are doing this virtually, make sure that the other person can see your full upper body, not just your face. This allows them to see your hand gestures throughout the interaction. When it comes to maintaining “digital eye-contact” try to look into your camera, instead of just looking at your screen. 

4. Listen to non-verbal cues

In order to fully understand the message that the other person is trying to convey, you also have to pay attention to the other person’s non-verbal cues. Non-verbal communication such as body language, facial expressions, actions, or inaction is often as important as the message itself. By paying attention to the speaker’s non-verbal cues, you can gain clues on how the person is truly feeling and their honest reaction to certain topics — this will help you gain a deeper understanding of the situation. 

5. Withhold your judgment

Active listening requires you to welcome new perspectives, ideas, and have an open mind. Even when you have strong opinions on certain issues, try to suspend your judgment and pay attention to what the other person is saying first, without criticizing or arguing. You are there to listen, absorb and think rather than instantly respond.

6. Verify your understanding

Try to summarize and restate what you are hearing to verify your understanding. Don’t be afraid to ask questions or ask for clarification.

You can say something like “Let me know if I got this right. Are you saying that…” or “I’m sorry, I didn’t follow you, can you repeat or elaborate on that”?

The person will most likely add something you missed, or clarify a point that you might have interpreted differently. The best way to verify your understanding is to paraphrase what they’ve said in your own words without any judgment.

7. Ask open-ended questions

Active listening puts emphasis on asking questions, rather than telling or making assumptions. You can try asking open-ended questions to encourage the other person to share more of their thought processes and opinions with you, so that you can gain a complete understanding of what they are saying. 

You can ask questions like “Can you elaborate on that“? What kind of solutions have you tried?”, “What do you think about….”. 

8. Ask for permission to share your thoughts

After fully understanding what the other person is saying, it can be a good idea to ask for permission to share your thoughts on the topic. Once they agree, provide them with your own suggestions, ideas, and thoughts on the issue. 

As a leader or a coach, it is important that you don’t dictate a solution. What you can do instead is to ask further questions that can help them think from different perspectives, guide them, and offer ideas. 

9. Recognize the contribution of others

People often overlook the importance of giving recognition to other people’s contributions. Even if there is no real value, thank the person for their time and input. It’s important to acknowledge the person’s effort, ideas, and actions — especially for leaders. 

Now that you understand the value of active listening in leadership, it’s time for you to practice it yourself. 

“The most important conversation is the kind and loving conversation you have with yourself each day. Take a pause, breathe and listen deep within yourself.”

Lead with Love

Maynard

Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist & Executive Coach

Trusted Leadership Advisor

Emotional intelligence and Mindful Leadership Consultant

San Francisco Bay Area and Beyond!

www.workingresources.com

mbrusman@workingresources.com

415-546-1252

Top 5 Clifton Strengths – Maximizer, Learner, Ideation, Strategic, Individualization 

VIA Character Strengths – Love of Learning, Social Intelligence, Bravery, Gratitude, Appreciation of Beauty&Excellence



I coach emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders to cultivate trust and full engagement in a purpose-driven culture who produce results.

Pause, Breathe, Be Present, Love, Open to Possibility, Cultivate a Meaningful Life
Live Deeply Into Your Magnificence and Our Shared Humanity in the Present Moment

 

     

Leadership 2023: A Shift to Self-Employment?

Leadership 2023:
A Shift to Self-Employment?

Is self-employment right for you? Is 2023 the best time to start your own business?

Questions like these are common right now. And the answer is: definitely, maybe.

Many leaders, executives, and managers secretly wish that they were self-employed. When they examine past career choices, future opportunities, and the reality that time is finite, they open the window to options and opportunities.

Regardless of the type of business, self-employment isn’t for everyone. It requires passion, know how, and opportunity. It requires strategy and great timing. And it takes resources.

To be sure, there are many pros and cons to consider:

  • A very rapid pandemic recovery reduced US unemployment from 10.2% (mid-2020) to 3.7% (November 2022). How will you identify and secure needed employees?
  • Ongoing pandemic impacts, including those to global economies. In anticipation of inflation (or recession), some services spending will be reduced in 2023. Is your ideal client a business, consumer, or mix?
  • While many home offices, technology, and skills were improved over the past two years, some supply and demand issues linger. What do you need to “open shop” and fulfill commitments?
  • US consumer confidence declined in November 2022, however, it is about the same as 2006 – 2007, 2015, and the short-term business conditions outlook improved. Would a partnership (or collaboration) be a better option to reduce risk? Maybe more importantly, if you don’t offer your service or solution, who will?

Start Smart

The shift to self-employment can be the most rewarding accomplishment and pathway to success there ever was. But, ask anyone who has ventured out on their own, and they’ll tell you tales of blood, sweat, and tears shed. If you’ve got a novel, great idea, it won’t take long before others are nipping on your heels. It’s important to start right: start smart.

Ask yourself:

  • What steps must I take to transition to entrepreneurship?
  • Can I give myself permission to succeed, or fail?
  • How does fear keep me in a reactive stance, constrained by outmoded routines?
  • Am I content to live partially, or am I ready and willing to explore new ways of thinking and feeling?
  • Can I gather the energy needed to realize my unlived potential?
  • How can I take one small step?

Hone Your Value Proposition

Begin with a value-proposition: a simple, memorable statement about what you do, and why you do it. Your value proposition describes the functional and emotional benefits of your company and brand. Functional benefits are linked to specific product features, while emotional benefits refer to positive feelings that customers experience when using your products and services.

For example, the functional benefit of a gardening tool could be the efficient removal of lawn weeds, but the emotional benefit could be its ease of use by people with knee ailments. Value propositions are not necessarily about offering the cheapest products. They are about convincing customers that they are getting value for their money.

A value proposition can be created in four steps:

Step 1: Know your customer

Your customer is a business person with quite a large house, who likes the "meditative feeling" of cutting his own lawn, but gets bored by the job when it takes too long.  He's looking for a good quality of cut, for the job to be done quickly and enjoyably.

Step 2: Know your product or idea

The product is a ride-on mower with a 25 horsepower (powerful) engine and 45 inch (wide) cutting blades.

Step 3: Know your competitors

The mower goes faster and cuts wider than the competition.

Step 4: Distill the customer-oriented proposition

"Our mower cuts your grass in 50% of the time of 'big brand' mowers in its class. And it leaves the lawn looking beautiful too!"

Craft Your Business Positioning Statement

Your business positioning statement flows from your value proposition. It should describe why customers should use one product over another.

For example, a small bakery's positioning statement could be its multigrain breads and custom-designed cakes that appeal to customers who are looking for flavorful and creative products that are different from the standard mass-produced items at big-box grocery stores. Correct positioning could determine market-share gains and profitability. In this case, the bakery is trying to position its products in the market segment that includes customers who want high-quality, high-priced goods. If it tries to compete solely on price, it may not survive because bigger companies can use their buying power to drive down input costs.

Positioning statements focus on the most relevant benefit and points of competitive differentiation that are meaningful to the persona:

  1. Audience (persona type/niche market)
  2. Product
  3. Category
  4. Differentiator
  5. Key customer benefit
  6. Think "Why?" and answer the customer’s question of WIFM

Be prepared to modify your positioning statements to respond to changes in the business environment. 

Memorize Your Personal Positioning Statement

Your personal positioning statement flows from your value propositions and business positioning statement. It describes why customers should choose you over someone else.

For example, your personal positioning statement could include how you have helped other clients and appeal to prospects who are looking for similar results (or have similar problems).  Based on your niche market values, personal positioning statements focus on the most relevant benefit of working with you versus your competitors.

Try this basic template, and fill in the blanks:

For ____________________ (your audience/niche market/persona type),
I am the ____________________ (your specialty or category of service)
with the unique combination of ________________ (your differentiator)
that can help you ____________________ (key customer benefit/the “why”/WIFM answer).

These tools also help to keep your vision alive. They are reminders of what you do, and why you do it. Most importantly, they prepare you to answer the question: “what do you do?”

Unleash Your Inner Entrepreneur

Leaders and executives often make great entrepreneurs. After all, many have grown through the ranks in an organization, and understand what it takes to succeed in business:

  1. Facilitator
  2. Teacher
  3. Pragmatist
  4. Motivator
  5. Visionary
  6. Mystic (magnetism)

As an entrepreneur, you’ll move through the ranks. Knowing which aren’t a good fit—and knowing what you don’t know—allows you to focus your time, energy, and attention on areas where you excel.

Generally speaking, your passion will stem from your knowledge or experience with the technical aspects of your business: the first three ranks. Successful entrepreneurship requires a solid understanding of logistics, including resources, supply chains, and production, as well as marketing, finance, and everything in between.

As you take on more responsibility (and grow your business), the role of facilitator, teacher, and pragmatist can be taught to others, delegated, or hired out. Your role will shift to motivator as you encourage others in their performance.

As a visionary, you’ll share your ideas, identify possibilities and opportunities, and make connections others may miss. Even without a team yet in place, you’ll be called on to communicate your vision and inspire action from others: creditors, investors, and clients. This requires social intelligence, charisma, and magnetism; it requires the mastery of mystic.

The Mastery of Mystique

Mystique is a transformational, rather than transactional, quality. It affects our internal—not external—state. The charismatic entrepreneur changes the way we feel about ourselves, our values, and our beliefs. Our behavior and performance are therefore influenced on a deeper level.

Consider your formative life experiences. It’s not about what happened to you, but how you responded. For example, if something traumatic raised your self-awareness; if it caused you to question, reflect, gain insight, and ignite your passion, share this with others.

In challenging times, charismatic entrepreneurs can unite a group and inspire focus, more so than any other force.

Serendipity, Self-Employment, and Success

Self-employment isn’t for everyone. It requires passion, know how, and opportunity. It requires strategy and great timing. And it takes grit. Successful entrepreneurs use their grit to:

  • Anticipate that obstacles are inevitable and find a way around them.
  • Develop their abilities by finding solutions to setbacks.
  • Build willpower by using it like a muscle—anticipating when they’re vulnerable, avoiding temptations, and preparing contingency plans and coping strategies.

Successful entrepreneurs focus on what they will do, rather than what they won’t do—a tactic that fosters positive energy. They know success depends on adapting to challenges and persisting, even when they’re ready to wave the white flag. And, they are open to opportunities in surprising places.

Successful entrepreneurs see what others don’t; they notice the un-noticed, and expect the unexpected. Those who are successfully self-employed turn these noticed, unexpected observations into opportunities. Some call it serendipity.

As Christian Busch, PhD, writes in The Serendipity Mindset (Riverhead Books, 2020), “[Serendipity] demands a conscious effort to prompt and leverage those moments when apparently unconnected ideas or events come together in front of you to form a new pattern.” To put it simply, they connect the dots.

According to Busch, there are three types of serendipity: Archimedes, Post-it, and Thunderbolt.

  1. Archimedes Serendipity: When a solution to a known problem comes from an unexpected place. This type of serendipity is common for natural entrepreneurs.
  2. Post-it Serendipity: When a solution to a known problem is stumbled upon by exploring a different and/or unrecognized problem.
  3. Thunderbolt Serendipity: When a solution to an unknown problem presents itself.

Why Is This Important?

As successful entrepreneurs will tell you, no matter how strong your passion or know-how, success depends on your openness to opportunity, and how well you have trained yourself to recognize opportunities around you. You see, serendipitous entrepreneurs connect the dots between the small things and life’s bigger problems. 

Busch writes, “Learn to spot serendipity.” Recognize opportunities in things, places, and with others. Connect the dots and recognize patterns.

One of the biggest hurdles in this process is confidence, or lack thereof. Sometimes, our need for perfectionism (and fear of failure) holds us back. But when we accept that failure is better than no attempt, we can let go of limitations, and open to a world of possibilities.

Some successful entrepreneurs intuitively cultivate serendipity. They are open to the unexpected, and able to proactively lead during times of uncertainty.

Lead with Love

Maynard

Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist & Executive Coach

Trusted Leadership Advisor

Emotional intelligence and Mindful Leadership Consultant

San Francisco Bay Area and Beyond!

www.workingresources.com

mbrusman@workingresources.com

415-546-1252

Top 5 Clifton Strengths – Maximizer, Learner, Ideation, Strategic, Individualization 

VIA Character Strengths – Love of Learning, Social Intelligence, Bravery, Gratitude, Appreciation of Beauty&Excellence



I coach emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders to cultivate trust and full engagement in a purpose-driven culture who produce results.

Pause, Breathe, Be Present, Love, Open to Possibility, Cultivate a Meaningful Life
Live Deeply Into Your Magnificence and Our Shared Humanity in the Present Moment

     

Positive Progress and the Art of Negotiation

Positive Progress and the Art of Negotiation

How much time and attention do you spend negotiating every day?

Think about it: just getting to your work space requires negotiating activities, meals, and space (think nutrition versus convenience, after-school activities, commuter lanes, etc.) At work we negotiate our way through business deals, customer relations, office politics, and career advancements. Such negotiations often require the agility of Captain America, the stamina of Dean Karnazes, and the wisdom of Yoda.

Ask any experienced parent (or listen to the news) and you’ll hear how playing hardball with threats and bluffs simply does not yield positive progress. However, traditional wisdom that points to a win-win strategic formula of trades and compromises is not without challenges. Of course, most of us are not super-heroes or world class athletes. Positive progress requires mastery in the art of negotiation.

What is the Art of Negotiation?

Negotiation is the process of agreement that takes place between individuals or organizations autonomously (by algorithms or machines) or human interaction (verbal or written dialogue). Generally, the objective is to identify common interests and resolve opposing differences. But as authors Michael Wheeler and Jeff Cummings write in The Art of Negotiation: How to Improvise Agreement in a Chaotic World, “agility is the mark of a master negotiator. Yes, preparation is important, but negotiation is a two-way street.”

Negotiations often break down when people come to the table focused on their positions, rather than on legitimate interests.

For example, you unexpectedly need to replace a piece of equipment now, but it’s going to take some time to have something built to your unique specifications.

Fortunately, you find something pre-owned that will work for the interim, but it will cost you in terms of productivity (efficiency, and profits.) As such, you don’t want to shell out a lot of money on this temporary solution, so you offer $10k. The seller counters with $60k.

You up your offer to $20k, and make it firm. The seller counters $60k.

Knowing that not having this equipment will shut down all your operations, you grudgingly up your offer. This dance of positional bargaining continues until you meet in the middle.

The problem with this tactic is that the legitimate interests are not addressed, rather, both parties focus on their position and the compromise does not take into account the needs of either party.

Here’s another very common example. You want your children to eat something healthy for breakfast. You offer an orange, a cup of unsweetened steel-cut oats, and a cup of unsweetened almond milk. They counter that they want sweetened cereal and a glass of sweetened juice. You then drop your offer to half of an orange, three bites of the oats, and no less. One of your children counters with two orange sections. This exchange goes on until you meet in the middle.

Such a narrow focus squelches curiosity, creativity, and compassion. And it fuels polarization. This is often the case in positional bargaining, where egos are hooked, relationships become strained, and neither party is satisfied.

What’s Your Negotiation Style?

Most people have a default negotiation style. Two of the most common are hard-bargaining and win-win.

The underlying motivation in the hard-bargaining style is based on a competitive, zero-sum game, that is to say, if one gains, the other loses. With this style of positional bargaining, there is a winner and a loser of limited resources.

In the win-win style, both parties seek to understand underlying interests and values of the other party. This gentler style is common with friends, family, and those who value relationships. Of course, a hard-bargaining, “muscle, might, or deception” style will dominate a gentler style, and ultimately result in a loss for both parties. Alternatively, a principled negotiation style supports both parties equally.

When both parties seek to meet the legitimate, basic interests of both parties using fair standards, mutually satisfying options are identified and result in a sound agreement. Positions, personalities, and egos are separated from the problem or conflict. Mutual respect is demonstrated with direct, honest, and empathetic communication.

The Art of Principled Negotiation

It’s not easy to change habits and disentangle emotions when negotiating. It may be difficult at first to enlist others in the task of working out a wise solution to a shared problem. Your first goal is to find a better way to negotiate.

In the best-selling book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, Roger Fisher, William Ury, and Bruce Patton outline four elements of principled negotiation:

  1. People: Separate the people from the problem.
  2. Interests: Focus on interests, not positions.
  3. Options: Generate a variety of possibilities before deciding what to do.
  4. Criteria: Insist on a result based on an objective standard.

These four elements require skills in analysis, planning, and discussion.

Analysis: Gather and organize information. Identify the outcome (basic need or want) you wish to achieve. Identify the desired outcome for the other party.

For example, if you are negotiating breakfast with your children, you’ll need to specify exactly what you believe to be indicators of nutrition or health. Is it consistent energy until lunch? You may want your children to eat only unprocessed, unsweetened foods, but their nutritional needs may be met with a balance of unprocessed, minimally processed, and naturally sweetened foods. You also need to know what each child wants. Is it something quick, easy, and sweet? This broader perspective differs from trying to convince both children to eat an orange, a cup of unsweetened steel-cut oats, and a cup of unsweetened almond milk. The focus is on outcomes—not positions or specific foods.

In principled negotiations, you’ll want to consider any people problems, partisan perceptions, and unclear communications as you identify others’ needs. Note the options already on the table (i.e., oranges, steel-cut oats, almond milk, sweetened cereal, sweetened juice), and identify any criteria already suggested as a basis for agreement (taste/pleasure, nutritional value, speed/ease, etc.)

Planning: Only after you have thoroughly analyzed legitimate needs, wants, and desired outcomes, generate ideas and decide what to do. Consider these questions:

  1. When people problems arise, how will they be managed?
  2. What are your most important interests (needs, wants)?
  3. What are some realistic objectives?
  4. What are some additional options?
  5. What criteria will be used in decision making?

Discussion:  This is an opportunity to practice curiosity without judgement. Through two-sided, open dialog, both parties explore differences in perception, feelings of frustration and anger, and other factors. Remember to examine all four of the elements: people, interests, options, and criteria. Each side should come to understand the other’s interests. Both can then jointly generate options that are mutually advantageous and seek agreement on objective standards for resolving opposition.

Using our breakfast example, one child may want to skip the meal entirely, while the other wants something sweet. Negotiating a compromise requires family members to examine options that satisfy the group. Ultimately, you may need to create two separate agreements.

This method of reaching agreement considers all parties’ interests and allows you to reach a joint decision without the high costs of positional bargaining.

But what happens when positive progress fails?

When Negotiations Stall

Negotiating is about coping with complexity. To succeed, negotiators must be prepared, but more importantly, they must be prepared to cope with rapid change and mistakes. Agility and curiosity is the best approach.

We often act out of habit, without question. To be sure, it’s difficult to admit our common human condition of thinking we know more than we do. The ego protects itself by gravitating toward feelings of certainty. In that state of mind we're unlikely to ask questions.

Instead, practice being a good questioner. Recognize your own feelings of discomfort or self-consciousness with not knowing. Ask naïve questions. A beginner's mind is open to all possibilities while an expert's is not.

When people do ask questions, they're often relying on assumptions and biases. Even if you don't yet know "how," it's important to ask "why" and "what if" questions. And remember to listen well.

Negotiation is the exploration of the scope of the issues, the best means for resolution, and the nature of your relationship with counterparts. When negotiations stall, you might just need to go back to the exploration stage.

When Negotiations Fail

Negotiations often fail when we cut corners, rush to solutions, and accept proposed solutions—even when our best alternative to a negotiated agreement (BATNA) would have been better. Similarly, failure also occurs when a solution can’t be implemented.

Remember our breakfast example? If you had reached a point of exasperation and said to your children, “eat what I made, or go hungry,” a stalemate would likely ensue. And it’s really no surprise.

According to the Harvard Law School Program on Negotiation, negotiations fail when strong emotions come in to play. Instead of objectively discussing a proposed solution, comparing it to your BATNA, and making a rational choice, threats are issued.

While some critics argue that a BATNA encourages positional bargaining, others point to the objectivity and assurance an alternative provides. A well thought out BATNA, or estimated alternatives to a negotiated agreement (EATNA), increases your confidence, identifies your alternatives, and helps you to recognize subpar and best solutions.

The art of negotiation requires preparation and agility. With practice, you’ll see positive progress while maintaining positive relationships during the process.

Lead with Love

Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist & Executive Coach
Trusted Leadership Advisor
Emotional intelligence and Mindful Leadership Consultant
San Francisco Bay Area and Beyond!

www.workingresources.com
mbrusman@workingresources.com

415-546-1252

Top 5 Clifton Strengths – Maximizer, Learner, Ideation, Strategic, Individualization 
VIA Character Strengths – Love of Learning, Social Intelligence, Bravery, Gratitude, Appreciation of Beauty&Excellence


I coach emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders to cultivate trust and full engagement in a purpose-driven culture who produce results.

Pause, Breathe, Be Present, Love, Open to Possibility, Cultivate a Meaningful Life
Live Deeply Into Your Magnificence and Our Shared Humanity in the Present Moment

     

Confrontations that Create a Win-Win-Win

Confrontations that Create a Win-Win-Win

What has been your recent experience with confrontations? When did you last initiate one?

Confronting someone for their behavior today is no easy feat, especially when emotions are easily triggered and opinions vary. We often become quick to challenge their logic (What were you thinking?!), credibility (Where did you learn to…?!), and personality (Who do you think you are?!)

At the other end of the spectrum, we avoid confrontations; we don’t want to make matters worse. But, when we say nothing, we perpetuate the problem (and in some cases, become co-conspirators.) Great leaders and managers understand this.

When expectations are left unmet—including protocol infractions, civil disobedience, illegal behavior and everything in between—frustration, lack of accountability, and broken relationships become the norm.

What if we could make a positive difference?

Most of us are not highly skilled in win-win-win confrontation. We feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Instead, we can learn and practice positive confrontations: address the issue in a way that supports the wellbeing of self, others, and the relationship between the two.

Calculating Risks and Rewards in Confrontations

Conflicts can range from disappointments (i.e. someone not meeting our expectations) to micro aggressions, to outright dangerous and/or illegal behavior. And yet, we are often hesitant to say anything. Why is that?

Our willingness to speak up changes based on what’s at stake.  In general, most of our daily conflicts boil down to:

  1. Priority or value differences
  2. Behavior or communication style differences
  3. Inequality (or perceived inequality)

In Crucial Accountability (McGraw-Hill Education, 2013), authors Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler share their 30+ years study on confrontations.  When they asked people why they remained (or became) silent in the presence of an injustice or violation of a social norm, the majority of responses were a version of, “it’s not worth it.” The perception was, they wouldn’t, or couldn’t, make a difference.

But here’s the thing: when a positive example of a successful confrontation is witnessed, people speak up.

According to the authors, “Provide individuals who have been disappointed or poorly treated with something to say and a way to say it that leads to the result they want, and their mental math changes. Better yet, their behavior changes. People now believe it’s in their best interest to step up to violated promises, broken commitments, and bad behavior. And they do.”

Avoid the Blame Game

One of the biggest obstacles in confronting someone is the blame game.

Consider the observation made by comedian George Carlin: anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac. It usually includes the question: “What is the matter with them?!”

When we ask ourselves, “What would lead a rational, reasonable, and reliable person to do that?” we move from a stance of blame to inquiry. We create a safer space for an actual exchange of ideas: the foundation for positive confrontations. When people feel safe, you can talk about almost anything.

People feel safe when they believe that:

  • They are respected as human beings; there is or could be mutual respect for the other
  • There is regard for their goals; there is or could be mutual purpose

Even in situations when you don’t know the other person, you send a message about your level of respect and regard. Positive confrontations require that you set the right tone from the offset. To pro-actively avoid or counter defensiveness, include the use of contrasting statements.

Let’s say, for example, you encounter someone at work who is not using protective safety gear, even though it is a company policy.

Lead the conversation with a contrast, such as: “I don’t want you to think that I am criticizing you, your work, or your judgment. I just want to talk about our company policy regarding protective safety gear, and how we can best support it.” Then, you can state the policy, why it is important to you, and close with a sincere question, such as, “What do you think?”  

Listen to their response, and re-state or re-phrase what you heard them say (in positive terms and language), and ask them to commit to following company policy. Acknowledging their perspective (their thoughts, experience, feelings, and understanding) can go a long way toward mutual support, commitment, and adherence to policy.

Positive Accountability

Positive accountability is the conversation that takes place after someone has made a commitment, and failed to keep it. Like positive confrontations, they often start with the question, “Why?” They become positive accountability confrontations when both parties are able and willing to comply to a solution, and the relationship is strengthened.

Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler outlined a three-step process to address bad behavior, un-kept promises, or broken commitments that resulted in unmet expectations: CPR.

  • Content: identify the action or event that took place (the here and now).
    1. Unbundle the problem. Identify all the elements.
    2. Identify what is bothering you the most.
    3. Be concise: communicate the issue in one (simple) sentence. It could be as simple as, “When you X, I feel Y, therefore Z.”
      For example: “When you don’t wear a mask, I feel scared for your health and mine, therefore I would like you to wear a mask in this shared space.”

  • Pattern: when the action or event recurs, address the pattern over time.
    1. Point out the number of times this event took place, what you had agreed to, and how the repeated actions/events affect predictability, respect, and trust. This is different than pointing out the action or event.  It requires honesty, and respect.
    2. For example: “It is my understanding that we agreed you would wear a mask in this shared space, and this is the second time I have seen you not wearing one. I am concerned that I can’t count on you to keep your word.”

  • Relationship: how this affects your relationship.
    1. Explore the intentions and consequences with compassionate curiosity (for you, them, and others).
    2. Share your understanding (about the content or pattern), and how you feel about the other person.
    3. Share your objectives: what you want to happen in the future for you, them, and your relationship.
    4. For example: “We agreed you would wear a mask in this shared space, and this is the third time I have seen you not wearing one. This pattern is putting a strain on our relationship, and I am concerned about that. I want us to be able to trust each other, and to act with mutual respect.”

Be Aware of Your Stories

It’s easy to become hooked by our emotions, especially when the stakes are higher. That’s why it’s so important to be aware of the stories we tell ourselves before, during, and after a confrontation.

When we tell ourselves that the other person (or organization) is the villain, we often end-up telling ourselves we are the victim, and we engage our amygdala: that reptilian brain responsible for fight, flight, or freeze.

But when we recognize and address our own fears, we are better prepared for a more neutral, compassionate, curious conversation that yields a win-win-win. Curiosity is a key component that helps us find common ground.

Best Practices

Confrontation and holding others accountable is not always easy (or end with the best results!) But if you want to grow personally and professionally, you need to be willing to engage in conflict.

  • Stay in the moment. If you find yourself focusing on, or getting caught in emotions, breathe. Label the emotion: there is fear; there is anxiety; there is anger. If you need to, take a break. Pause the conversation, provide a neutral reason (I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I need to take a quick break; can I get you anything?) Resume the conversation as promised.
  • Listen more than you talk. The majority of your speaking time may be best spent asking questions to gain better understanding. Get out of the way so you can hear what’s important. Pay attention to cues. Notice body language, and what is not being said.
  • Anticipate you will have a positive outcome. There is a big difference between being liked, and being respected. Conflict is an opportunity to repair and strengthen valuable relationships. It also helps you identify malignant relationships, and when absolutely necessary, remove yourself from the relationship with minimal damage.
  • Create a sense of co-presence when confronting someone, especially when doing so virtually. Know your technology capabilities and limits. Use video, and keep your environment free from distraction. While it may feel awkward at first, practice gazing into the camera when speaking, and alternate the camera and view of the other person when they are speaking.
  • Be specific. Use the CPR method to outline your discussion, specific examples, and keep you on track. When initiating the invitation to meet, use a contrasting statement to set the tone. Review what you agreed to, and establish next steps.
  • Follow-up to strengthen the relationship. After a confrontation, you may be inclined to avoid that situation or person again. But positive confrontations that create a win-win-win rely on pro-active follow-up that strengthen the relationship. Acknowledge the positive confrontation. Send a thank-you note (or email): for their time, engagement, and honesty. Summarize the conversation and individual and collective goals. If appropriate, reiterate your agreement and next steps.
  • Reach out to build the relationship. Send an email, text, or even better, call on an unrelated matter. This reinforces the message that you care about them, and your relationship.

Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist & Executive Coach
Trusted Leadership Advisor
Emotional intelligence and Mindful Leadership Consultant
San Francisco Bay Area and Beyond!
www.workingresources.com
mbrusman@workingresources.com
415-546-1252

Top 5 Clifton Strengths – Maximizer, Learner, Ideation, Strategic, Individualization 
VIA Character Strengths – Love of Learning, Social Intelligence, Bravery, Gratitude, Appreciation of Beauty&Excellence



I coach emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders to cultivate trust and full engagement in a purpose-driven culture who produce results.

Pause, Breathe, Be Present, Love, Open to Possibility, Cultivate a Meaningful Life
Live Deeply Into Your Magnificence and Our Shared Humanity in the Present Moment

     

Develop Your Mental Game As a b...

Develop Your Mental Game

As a business leader, how do you develop your mental game?
Consider today’s outstanding athletes. Like outstanding business leaders and managers, they overcome obstacles, deal with set-backs, and persevere to reach their goals. After watching a match or two it’s easy to take their impressive skills for granted. After all, they make it look so easy.

Then they make a clear mistake.

Such was the case for one such player in last year’s US Open tennis championship: with a single swat, Novak Djokovic—the favorite to win—unintentionally hit a ball at a line judge, and was disqualified.
How can such a well-trained, highly-skilled, and disciplined leader make such a mistake?

He got caught in a momentary lapse of un-mindfulness, distracted and fueled by frustration. And it happens to the best of us. We lose our clarity and focus.

Clarity and Focus

Clarity is knowing exactly what you want to achieve as a leader: your vision. Focus is knowing and doing the actions required to get you there. Great leaders do the right thing, right now. How?

First, they develop a clear mental picture of their intention. Then, they make a conscious choice to commit to and pursue that intention. And last, but certainly not least, they develop strategies for protecting their intention against distracting feelings or emotions, like boredom and frustration.

Just like great athletes, great business leaders take purposeful action to preserve and strengthen their mental abilities. After all, leaders who work on their brain fitness are less prone to errors. They understand that clarity and focus require three key areas of brain function:
• Cognition: Education and experience contribute to your cognitive abilities, so wise leaders engage in learning new skills which they practice to improve their processing speed (how quickly they can recall information, names, and memories). This allows them to make wise and timely decisions and responses, and, it also inhibits actions that could sabotage their best efforts, like hitting a ball at a line judge.
• Emotion Management: Learning how to self-regulate emotions, including stress and anger, is crucial for personal and professional success. You see, when an event or action is stored in our memory, the associated emotion is also stored. This unconscious emotional tagging process can influence our clarity, focus, and future decision making process.
• Executive Judgment: This operational part of the brain enables us to receive information, assess our feelings, identify and analyze pros and cons, formulate plans, and discern outcomes.

Build Your Foundation

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a true brain enhancement pill that could increase our health, wellness and performance? While research reveals that nootropics benefit cognition, learning, and mental clarity, they don’t actually improve intellect or IQ. If you’re not familiar with nootropics, they are a class of substances (natural or synthetic) comprised of vitamins, minerals, amino acids, fatty acids, antioxidants, and other herbal ingredients. Nootropics can have some effect on our memory, thinking, or other brain functions, but, more non-biased studies (non-brand or product related) must be conducted. In the meantime, we do know that diet, exercise, and meditation are key to higher brain function.
• Diet: in a perfect world, we’d get all the vitamins and minerals we need through a healthy diet of a wide-range of plants that fight inflammation. You see, science has linked many diseases, including those affecting our brain health¬, with chronic inflammation. According to an article published by Harvard Health Publishing (November 2018), choosing the right anti-inflammatory foods reduces your risk of illness.

If you’re looking to improve your mental game, consider the Mediterranean diet: it’s high in vegetables, fruits, nuts, whole grains, fish, and healthier oils. And of course, avoid processed foods, or those high in sugar. Researchers are finding greater evidence linking poor brain health to sugar. So while it might give your brain an initial surge, it’s not the best tool. Instead, give yourself a boost with exercise.
• Exercise: exercise increases activity in parts of the brain that have to do with executive function. Not only that, exercise promotes the growth of new brain cells. The key is to push yourself (with approval from your health care professional): reach your target heart rate for a period of 20-minutes, totaling a minimum of 150 minutes/week.

Why? Aerobic exercises increases blood flow to the brain, reduces stress, and improves mood. And, if you are actually enjoying the activity, this only improves your outlook.
• Meditation: the beneficial effects of meditation for brain fitness are the result of changes in underlying brain processes. Through MRI (fcMRI) scanning, researchers with the National Institutes of Health found that Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), a form of meditation, alters intrinsic connectivity networks (ICNs).
• MBSR is an attention-training technique that focuses on present moment internal and external experience. It includes breath awareness, body awareness (scanning), and attention to the impermanence of sensory experience. After eight weeks of MBSR training and practice, researchers identified changes in the subject’s brains reflective of a more “consistent attentional focus, enhanced sensory processing, and reflective awareness of sensory experience.”

Beware of Distractions

Distraction has become an ongoing challenge for many leaders and managers. And it’s not just our devices or technology, rather, it’s often our emotions, or our responses to our emotions.

According to Nir Eyal, an expert on technology and psychology published by Harvard Business Review and author of Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life (BenBella Books, 2019), we need to recognize the difference between traction and distraction. Gaining traction requires purposeful action: channeling our energy and focus.

Energy is much more than effort. It is engagement in a meaningful activity, propelled by both internal and external resources. Purposeful action is self-driven behavior; it is self-generated and engaged to generate traction.

Focus is conscious, intentional, and disciplined thought and behavior. You see, purposeful action requires discipline to resist distraction, overcome obstacles, and persevere in the face of setbacks. Our focus and energy might fall into one of four categories:

The Frenzied: Are you highly energetic and enthusiastic about your work, yet distracted or overwhelmed by tasks? How do you feel about deadlines, demands and the tyranny of the urgent? The need for speed may trigger you to act without hesitation, but you could achieve more if you consciously concentrate your efforts on what really matters.

The Procrastinator: Are you feeling low energy and focus? Insecurities and fear of failure may cause you to work on minor details, rather than tasks that could make a real difference for your organization.
The Detached: Are you focused, but without energy? What is the cause? You may be passing on apathy or disdain to your co-workers, sending mixed signals.

The Purposeful: Are you highly focused and energetic? You signal calm, reflective, and able to get the job done, even in chaos.

Boost Your Mental Game

When the going gets tough, how do you develop your mental game? Answer these questions to boost your energy and hone your focus:
Energy Boosters
1) Focus on one goal. Without judgment or self-censoring, ask yourself:
a) What is the big picture?
b) What data, research and strategies do I have and/or need for wise decisions about objectives and goals?
c) Is my goal well defined?
d) Where are the limits in my understanding?
e) How does the goal align with my values and those of my organization?
f) How would I benefit from a mentor?

2) Build confidence. Consider past personal goals, and ask yourself:
a) What was my experience with achieving comparable goals? Is it repeatable?
b) Who is my role model? Can they help me understand what it takes?
c) Where can I go for feedback and evaluation?
d) How can I experiment, rehearse or practice critical tasks toward my goal?

3) Practice positivity. Overcome negativity, and develop positive thoughts and feelings by asking yourself:
a) What are my patterns of feelings and experiences?
b) How are they related to my thoughts and behaviors about my goal?
c) Where do I find healthy outlets and support? (hobbies, sports, friends)
d) When do I experience fun or excitement?
e) What about my work creates enthusiasm?
f) Work aside, where do I draw strength? How do I gain balance?
Focus Boosters
1) Harness the power of visualization. Visualize your goal, or objective, and ask yourself:
a) What does my objective look like? When I need to remember my objective, what simple image can I conjure?
b) What are the small steps I need to take to reach my goal?

2) Commit to your goal. Make it personal, and ask yourself:
a) Does this goal feel right for me?
b) How much do I really want to achieve my goal?
c) What positive feelings are attached to this goal?
d) How does this goal align with my values and beliefs?

Boosting your mental game requires a clear mental picture of your goal or objective and a conscious choice to commit to and pursue your goal.

Dr. Maynard Brusman
Consulting Psychologist & Executive Coach
Trusted Leadership Advisor
Emotional intelligence and Mindful Leadership Consultant
San Francisco Bay Area and Beyond!

mbrusman@workingresources.com
415-546-1252

Top 5 Clifton Strengths – Maximizer, Learner, Ideation, Strategic, Individualization

VIA Character Strengths – Love of Learning, Social Intelligence, Bravery, Gratitude, Appreciation of Beauty&Excellence



I coach emotionally intelligent and mindful leaders to cultivate trust and full engagement in a purpose-driven culture who produce results.

Pause, Breathe, Be Present, Love, Open to Possibility, Cultivate a Meaningful Life

Live Deeply Into Your Magnificence and Our Shared Humanity in the Present Moment

     

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